Commitment

This is such a powerful word, and if used correctly can move a mountain. I have said time and time again I am committed to myself, my health, and my weight loss, but I start over and over and over all the time. I know the skinny girl is in there. I know she is ready to come out and play. She has been hidden for so long and I think I had gotten to the point where I really didn't know how to release her. I buried her when I buried my feelings.

I haven't always been this way. When I was younger, I got something from food. I got comfort and joy. Now I get cellulite, and fat! When I was younger it got me attention, cause folks would be like, you can eat all that, or that lil girl is going to eat all that. It was almost like I had achieve something. Now I know I can't eat all that, but still try to, and sweets, boy o boy, sweets are my best friend!

Which leads me to commitment. I once was committed to how I looked and making sure I didn't go over a certain weight. So now I need to recommit myself. God help me to find my commitment again!

A tribute to MJ

They say Michael Jackson was the King of Pop because he was the greatest that ever lived. Was he really the greatest, or did he work harder then the average?.......and if working harder then the average makes you the greatest, why can't we apply this to our own lives. MJ told us to look at the man in the mirror to make a change. It does me no good to know what I am doing wrong, if I am not going to change what I am doing wrong. You are held accountable once you have been educated. MJ might not of done everything right, but then again who does, but what he did do was worked harder then average to reach his goals, and once he met them he raised them. He was willing to scrafice at all cost and he did-but he was the best!

It's time to raise the bar.......I have been blogging for seven months now. I have been ready and will do what I am suppose to do for a lil while and then stop. It's time to rise above average and be the best no matter what has to be scraficed. NO MATTER WHAT!

Say what you will do, do what you will say!

If you say you love yourself, show it by taking care of yourself. If you think you are the best, show your appreciation by taking care of yourself. If you take care of yourself, you give more.

I've been at this for seven whole months, and while most say I haven't lost a pound, I know I've lost more then physical weight. December will mark a year for this blog, and what I am most proud of is that I've never given up. Since I haven't I know I will make my goal. December 2009 is mine. You can mark my word on that......I will be at a better weight then I was last year.

I love the freedom of choice!

Determination

Abdominal Fat is Heart Attack Fat, so sometimes determination means you have to be a bitch!

Misery likes company, or two's a company three's a crowd. When you change, not everyone will be on board, will care to understand, or even happy for you. Bottom line, not everyone will like it! You may take too long ordering your food at restaurants, cause you need to find out what's in it, take something out, or plan your calories intake for that meal. You may cut your meal in half, stop at one drink, or even one plate. Eat your favorite dessert one day while choosing not to eat a 2nd favorite the next.

What I have learned is that its ok.....Because sometimes you have to be a determined BITCH to save your life!

Breaking Point!

You can add but so much onto your plate, until one day it will break.......


I have gotten to my breaking point. You know that spot where I can't take it any longer, and if I don't do something now, I will die-meet!

This may be the most personal entry ever but like I told you back in Dec, I was going to put is out there for the world to see and this time I'm not hiding anything.

Emotionally, I am not well. I sleep cause I am tired, and I am tired cause I am not taking care of myself. As much as I want to be "in control" I have found myself in a place where I am "out of control." It was fun at first to talk about my weight, laugh, joke, even make fun of; all those things, but then you enter onto another zone; the danger zone!

It's time to step up my game. I am not putting my best foot forward. I am not making my best effort. I know this because I like control and a person who likes to take control would never let themselves be out of control unless they have lost control. When you do everything possible to do your best you know it, you feel it and it shows.

I have not....and I no longer will allow myself to not do my best.

When you are determined enough you do whatever it takes to get the job done; and I mean whatever it takes! Determination.......that's what we are going to start focusing on now.......

No more Black and white........

Well I did it again, I had another successful week! Of course success is in the eyes of the beholder, but for the first time, maybe in a long time maybe ever, I didn't over commit myself, over indulge, or feel guilty for what I didn't have control over. Now I did eat late at night, which I knew when I did it it was wrong. but I had control over that and I chose to do it anyway. I did go to celebrations where there was bread, cake, etc. and I ate all those things, but I had one plate, half of cup cake, and lil alcohol. All of which I had control over.

This is where I am in my walk....I a not doing the all or none anymore. It doesn't work for me....I am learning what gray looks like, what is means, and how to live in that moment. Black and white has never worked for me long term so why continue down that path!

I've lived to see another day, and for that I am thankful. For that I will continue to try and put myself and my health first! If I do this, I will make it to my goal.

The Journey of a thousand miles start with one foot in front of the other!

My mind's made up, and I'm not turning back......

You have to start somewhere right! Well I did it.....I started working out, I looked at different meal plans, and I have made up my mind up to do it right this time. I don't know how I am getting there, and I don't know how long it will take me. Really that's not my concern, the only goal I have is to keep it moving, one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time.....and that's what I did today. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't long, nothing to brag about, nothing over the top; it was just-a start.....and that's all I asked of myself. I felt better today then I have in a long time....cause I just put one foot in front of the other, and I started walking.


What freedom, what power, what a journey this has and will be.....like I said, I am ready!

I'm singing in the rain TODAY!

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass......it's about learning how to dance in the rain!

I am learning how to live in the moment. I am going to live for today. I am over weight now, and all I can do is work on loosing the weight. It wont happen over night, and I can't say "when I loose weight I gonna....." No! I am not going to stop my life, til I loose weight! There's no need in getting down, I did it to myself. There's no need in hiding, I did it to myself. There's no need in making excuses, it is what it is. I am going to learn to dance, and sing my way to freedom. Today is my Monday, cause Monday never comes when your waiting on it to. So I start today, not Monday, not tomorrow, but today!

I got my "I" on you!

I am the one who controls what I put into my mouth, and how much. I am the one who has to put myself first, care for myself first, and love myself enough to do whatever it takes to be the healthiest I can be. Stop eating when I am full, one plate per meal, and make the meals fit for a petite queen.

Because this has been a mental journey for me, I have decided to stop fighting what I know would eventually have to face....the fear of my pain. I have come to realize I run and hide. I hide the pain, I hide the fear, and I hide the hurt I hide myself.......Now it's time to realize why.

Weight gain, weight it self, it's another form of hiding. When I see someone overweight, the first thing I think now is, what are they trying to hide? Where is the source of their pain under all that. We will never truly win until we let the light in. Like I said I am ready. More importantly I am ready to come out of hiding and to play again.

I've made up my mind!

I was watching Oprah last night, and she had Kristy Alley on her show. (of course it was DVR'd) They started talking about how they had fallen off the wagon, and how every time this happens they gain ten more pounds then the last time. So this got me to thinking. I have always been able to loose the weight, until now. But once I did, I would keep it off for a couple of months and then gain it back. I have always said this is a mind thing...a mental block...it's not about the weight loss it's about the emotional loss.....underlying issues that have haunted us that keeps us in the state of mind that we are in. We feel that the food, the junk, the not eating, the over eating, is some how going to magical make it all better, when really it makes it all worse

It's time...and I am ready to let it ALL go! I have made up my mind and I wont look back....I want to loose weight; emotional, physical, and not gain it back!

My mind is made up!

I WANT TO BE HEALTHY , I DON'T WANT TO GAIN IT BACK.....I WANT TO CONCUR THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!

I WANT........TO .......LOOSE.......THE WEIGHT!

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




So let the games begin!

We are who we are because of who we are.....

This has been a crazy journey! I thought in loosing weight I would get back into my "old clothes." I didn't realize that those "old clothes" were what got me where I am in the first place.

Sometime we put on so many layers on, we forget what our bodies look like, or even feels like. We hide who we are under all those clothes. It get to the point where we really don't know at which point we started gaining weight. It's like all of a sudden it's there, now deal with it! So if this is the case why would I want to loose the weight just to get back into my "old clothes" ie old habits, old way of thinking, old eating process!

I've said it once, I'll say it again; loosing weight is a mental thing and I have come to realize that the closer I get to being happy, the closer I get to becoming healthier, and the closer I become, to the weight I want to be. Guess I am the one in control, and have been all along!.

We are who we are, because of who we are........life is about breathing, so breath; life is about enjoying, so enjoy it; life is about the storms, so dance in the rain; life is about the celebration no matter what it serves you, so eat it up, chew it into pieces, and spit it out....it's all about the process!

WE ARE WHO WE ARE, BECAUSE OF WHO WE ARE!

For the love of some good..........Yummy FOOD!

I have always known I loved me some good all American BBQ food! Have you ever been in a situation where you don't want to have will power.....I mean you can have it, you just don't want to. Well that was me today at our ALL day meeting. I got up this morning.....started the day off very good......had my fruit, yogurt, and smoothie....I was doing good, until the brought that BBQ out for lunch....there it was....piled up looking so good. Calling my name like it was my long lost friend. I, at first, said I was only going to get a little bit, til I bit into that chicken.....it was de-licious!


And you know what...I will just start over tomorrow cause I don't regret a thing! YOU DAMN RIGHT I SAID IT......I am happy I gave myself permission to have a plate of what I love, and now I am giving myself permission to go back to my strict diet!

And that ladies and gentleman is call....CONTROL!

Spring is here!

For some reason, when spring hits you tend to want to run outside with no clothes on, bare foot, arms out, toes hanging, and oh is that a belly I see!

So I am starting to get real serious about this weight loss thing. I know what your thinking, uh you've been up to this since Dec. I know, but it's all been a mind set thing. I am ready now though. I am working on my health, from the inside out. I mean hey this body isn't mine anyway! God gave it to me on loan, and if I don't take care of his loan, I may not get approved for another one. I can't wait to make him proud! I am truly healing from the inside out............

French Love

When I got on the the elevator today I smelt the french fries.

I work on the 10th floor, so I was in heaven for ten floors. I took a deep breath, and inhaled.....I inhaled all the grease, ketchup, and fries in my mind. I was in heaven for ten floors. Then the doors opened I walked off and got my salad.

It was great!

Healing

The moment you see improvement, you start to feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself you start to work harder, stronger, and longer!

This is when healing begins.

Getting out the fast lane!

You know what they say.....we are all dying.....everyday we get closer and closer to our death, but some of us are on the inside of the lane while others are on the outside.

You know when your on the highway, the passing lane is to the left.....EVERYONE knows the left lane is always the faster lane. Most of the time in this lane we fly by the car next to us so fast we don't even notice the make or the model. In the fast lane you are so focus on where you need to be, or how late you are that you, at times, run into bumps in the road that slow you down and make you in more upset, frustrated, and late. There are lots of side effects in the fast lane, high blood pressure, head aches, always frustrated, yelling, tickets, tailgating, and our favorite accidents!

In the slow lane, even though it seems like you get there a lot slower, you get there in better health, peace, and state of mind. You are able to see the trees on the side of the road, that usually are only on the right hand side of the highway. You can pull over on the shoulder and take a rest, change your tire, or just enjoy the scenery.

You have to wonder though why the left lane is called the fast lane and why the right lane is called the slow lane.


That's why I'm getting out of the fast lane. We are all one day closer to death but if it takes me longer to get there by being in the right hand land, then so be it.....and I will enjoy the scenery on the way!

I am siging up for life!

I said I was going to get this weight thing under control, even if it kills me. Well, I am dying! I didn't realize how much of a struggle this would be. I mean when I put my mind to something, I usually do it. I guess more then anything, this is an emotional battle! The problem isn't over eating, the results are. This is hard, may even be the hardest thing I ever do in my life. But like the old folks say, gal just keep on living!
So I am siging up for life, what I do to win this war will be what I continue to do for life!

No time like the present!

So what we fall off the wagon a bit! So what we take a step back! Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain. So I am going to sing and dance my way through this storm! Before I know it, the sun will shine again.....these are the struggles of life, and life effects my weight. I no longer want to give this struggle that much credit!

The mistakes we make

So after feeling good about myself, regarding the path I am on, I had to take a step back and bring myself realize that the mistakes I will make along this journey of "my" weight loss are only to make me better & stronger.

I haven't worked out in two day, and although I feel bad about it....I didn't workout more because I've been sick and in the morning, I feel stuffy and achy. So this is the mistake I made...."well I'm not working out...I must be off my diet, let me eat whatever anyway" mistake one. Mistake two "I woke up late, got to work late, people asked me to go to a restaurant for lunch where I am not sure of the calorie content, nor what to get within my budget calories, and I went." Mistake three "I still haven't prepared myself for my lifestyle change so don't have my proper weapons against hunger."

All these lessons have resulted in one thing, I still have a lot of work to do, and a long way to go. That cool though, at least I am realizing it now before I get to far into the weight game and get frustrated because I haven't loss any weight!

5 weeks strong

We started this site five weeks ago to help us with our weight loss. It took be 29 days to get my fat ass out of bed and workout. Three weeks later I can honestly say it feels good! Getting out of bed is still hard, but at least now I am doing it. I still struggle with my fat self from time to time, and at times I give in to her. I think I should though. This is tough for her and I shouldn't take everything away from her at once. She's been a trooper too. As much was she wants that five guys burger with extra grilled onions, extra cheese and ketchup and mustard on it. She hasn't bug me much lately about it. She did though have to have something sweet over the weekend, so I gave her a spoonfull of icing, no cake.

It takes time, and five weeks later I can honestly say I am on the right track. It's hard, and will continue to be hard, but we will make it......all three of us; fat-skinny-and me!

Necole

AND THE FIGHT CONTINUES!

I have worked out four days this week....this morning was HARD! Really HARD, but I did it. I got up laid around thought about going back to bed but then got on the treadmill and decided I wouldn't workout hard today. And now, NOW I HAVE AN ATTITUDE! not really sure why though, was it because I am sore now, cause I really just wanted to sleep but needed to workout, or was I really upset at myself for getting to the point where I have to workout everyday in order to help myself achieve this goal. I can't wait for the day where I am in maintenance mode! Until that day....TODAY I am going to have an attitude....at least until I realize the fact that skinny girl won, and skinny girl made fat girl get up and workout. So, fat girl is really the one with the attitude, not me.

1. What are you really hungry for?
When my life is out of control and unbalance I know I seek some way of gaining the control back....or gaining control. So I guess I hunger for control.
2. Why are you overweight?
When I am lost I find it liberating to eat whatever I want and dare someone to say something to me. I over eat in comfort and I snack for company. I love the taste of good sweet foods, and it makes me feel good when I eat it. I honestly feel at peace when I eat ice cream and cookies, or apple pie and ice cream.
3. Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
I haven't figured out how to ask for help when my life is out of control, I hide when my life is unbalance and I put a wall up and wont let anyone in, or see me. I HIDE BIG TIME! and that's the honest to God truth.
4. What in your life is not working?
I have to stay busy doing positive things, working, hanging with family and friends.
5. Why do you want to lose weight?
Because it's time, because I want to be healthy, because I want to have a family, and because I want to be around for my friends and family.

It's A New Day

I just finished watching Oprah and I encourage you to start you weight loss goals and answer the following 5 questions, HONESTLY.

1. What are you really hungry for?
2. Why are you overweight?
3. Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
4. What in your life is not working?
5. Why do you want to lose weight?

Oprah also said the most profound thing today..it is not a weight issue it is a love issue. Whether you have lost a love, want a love, self love, lack of love...it is a love issue.

One day at a time ladies.

2009

Like a ray of light 2009 shines clear and bright. The time has come for me to be true to msyelf and realize my self worth. When I over eat and don't take care of myself I am telling myself I'm not worth it. When I don't exercise I am telling myself I donn't love you enough to take 50 mins out of my day for you. When I don't try to change, I've told myself, I've given up on you....your not worth it anymore.

I don't want to divorce (from myself). I thought I did, but I really don't. I do love you Necole and I will work very hard to make this relationship work between the two of us. Now that's what 2009 brought for me. I know loosing weight isn't easy and I know I, at times, will get frustrated and upset, it's at those times that I will need you be to be the strongest for me. I am willing to do that.

This blog may confuse some folks, and that's fine. I understand the struggle I have between my skinny self and my fat self. For once though I am going to allow my skinny self to speak and this time I am going to listen!